*Horraween 2017* Slashers that SUCK!
-Intruder-
2016
2016
From the movie poster and given the films description, it's clear that Intruder wants to be like Hush(2016) (also on Netflix). In reality Intruder is a weirdly made snooze fest.
At the very beginning of the film a young woman's power is cut off and she is immediately killed by a hoody wearing intruder via plastic bag over her head. This is never explained.
Then we meet our protagonist Elizabeth. She is a cellist from London with a beautiful accent. Her sultry voice is easily the best thing about this film. Elizabeth was recently accepted into the London Philharmonic but her boyfriend doesn't want her go. He recently got a promotion and wants them to stay where they are in Oregon, where it rains during the entire film. Boyfriend isn't the only man in Liz's life. Elizabeth has a creepy ass teacher that rubs her back while she sits there uncomfortably but doesn't say anything and he also cusses her out when she plays wrong. She also has a mysterious neighbor that doesn't say anything to her but always giver her odd looks. These two men are the red herrings as obvious as Red Herring is in Scooby Doo.
When Elizabeth catches up with her downstairs neighbor, the elderly woman reveals she is leaving for the weekend. Might be a convenient time for some intruding. As Elizabeth plans to celebrate this weekend while staying at home with wine and bubble baths her answer machine plays as if she's a woman from 1996 and not 2016. Her friend, mom and boyfriend all left messages. Her boyfriends is very long winded and he mentions he will be texting her....Sounds a lot more reasonable than leaving a voicemail on her home phone.
As Liz takes the trash out, a man in a dark hoody sneaks into her apartment. It's the same guy who killed the anonymous woman at the beginning, that has no connection to the story what so ever.
The soundtrack to this film is extremely annoying and gets very loud and "tense" whenever the creeper appears, lurking in the shadows in Liz's small apartment. You know the stalker is near without even having to look at the TV screen, the obnoxious music tells you. Liz's friend brings over her cat for her to babysit and the cat and friend add absolutely nothing to the story. The creeper (still in her place) is almost seen several times by Elizabeth, there are only so many places in her home and this guy is the most careless stalker of all time. Liz doesn't know anyone is in her house but she almost stumbles into the hoody wearing idiot because he likes to move around a lot. Every time Elizabeth almost catches a glimpse of him something happens. One time her alarm clock goes off suddenly, in the middle of the day, for no reason before she looks in her closet. The loud noise from her her alarm also prevents her from hearing him walk right past her and out of her bedroom. This proves Liz doesn't have peripheral vision.
Once the guy is inside this film turns into just boring stalking. The guy stalks her all night. He watches her shower. Unfortunately, the lovely actor playing Liz strips down naked for this terrible, terrible film. He even just sits and watches her sleep. (Somehow no one thought this was creepy when Edward from Twilight did the same thing.) The weirdo also eats a bite of an apple, caresses Liz while she sleeps, and goes through her music note books. A horror movie is in trouble when the most disturbing thing that happens is an intruder eating gross cottage cheese straight from the container.
The soundtrack to this film is extremely annoying and gets very loud and "tense" whenever the creeper appears, lurking in the shadows in Liz's small apartment. You know the stalker is near without even having to look at the TV screen, the obnoxious music tells you. Liz's friend brings over her cat for her to babysit and the cat and friend add absolutely nothing to the story. The creeper (still in her place) is almost seen several times by Elizabeth, there are only so many places in her home and this guy is the most careless stalker of all time. Liz doesn't know anyone is in her house but she almost stumbles into the hoody wearing idiot because he likes to move around a lot. Every time Elizabeth almost catches a glimpse of him something happens. One time her alarm clock goes off suddenly, in the middle of the day, for no reason before she looks in her closet. The loud noise from her her alarm also prevents her from hearing him walk right past her and out of her bedroom. This proves Liz doesn't have peripheral vision.
Once the guy is inside this film turns into just boring stalking. The guy stalks her all night. He watches her shower. Unfortunately, the lovely actor playing Liz strips down naked for this terrible, terrible film. He even just sits and watches her sleep. (Somehow no one thought this was creepy when Edward from Twilight did the same thing.) The weirdo also eats a bite of an apple, caresses Liz while she sleeps, and goes through her music note books. A horror movie is in trouble when the most disturbing thing that happens is an intruder eating gross cottage cheese straight from the container.
The next day Elizabeth does laundry and comes face to face with her intruder in the laundromat. Although not wearing the black hoody he is so obviously the stalker and I'm not sure why or how this films wants me to believe otherwise. He introduces himself to Liz, he somehow knows her name and tells her he's seen her around the neighborhood. He's an awkward dork. The kind that can only hope to caress a woman while shes sleeping and unaware. So the movie trudges along for the rest of the weekend and keeps trying to suggest the intruder is the aforementioned red herrings and highlights her relationship problems. The stalker sneaks back into her home and is watching from under the bed or in the closet. He kills her boyfriend while Elizabeth in the shower. We are also shown clips of the intruders "creepy lair" Whoever this freak is, he has pics of Liz and sheet music on a wall. Really scary stuff. Man this film really is torturous to get through because nothing happens. With just minutes till the end the stalker finally reveals himself by waking Elizabeth out of her sleep and he scares the crap out of her. Then the loud ass music plays again and they show us flashbacks of things we already saw, but now they show his face. All as if this is supposed to be some big revelation. Elizabeth wakes up in a basement that turns out to be the kidnappers lair we were shown earlier. While looking out the window Liz realizes she is right across the street from her own home. As Elizabeth tries to signal her neighbor who has just come home from her long weekend away, the guy, the one who is obsessed with her, kills her via plastic bag over her head. Why though? What was the point of kidnapping her and dragging her across the street to suffocate her? I was expecting him to maybe keep her prisoner since he's like in love with her or something. What was up with the obsession and collecting pictures and all that stuff and the stalking to just take her across the street and kill her with a plastic bag? Intruder is just bad and not even in an enjoyable way.
-Curse of Chucky-
2013
This crap is the worst 'Chucky' movie ever. Yes, I know that's not saying much. Curse is a bit of an origins story, mixed with this weird revenge plot that makes absolutely no sense. Chucky is delivered to a young woman named Nika and her elderly mother. Nika is wheelchair bound and she and her mom take care of each other. They aren't very close, (her mother discourages her from talking to the attractive delivery guy that hits on Nika while dropping off the doll.)
The mom throws ugly-ass Chucky in the trash but then is gruesomely murdered by him that night. Nika's sister Barb and her family come to the gigantic house to arrange the funeral and discuss their mothers personal effects. Barb brings along her husband, their daughter and young nanny. And no, this movie did not follow the trope of the husband having sex with the young attractive nanny. The wife is having sex with the young attractive nanny.
Nika decides to give her niece Chucky's ugly-ass, since he just appeared back in the house and for some reason Barb lets her daughter accept this atrocious "toy". Nika and her sister clash over selling their mothers house. Barb thinks Nika can't live on her own and is shocked when Nika prepares dinner for everyone. They all act impressed as if Nika served some fancy, tasty dish but it just looks like everyone is eating bowls of pasta sauce. I have no clue what she fed them. While her back was turned ugly-ass Chucky put rat poison in some of the bowls though. After dinner everyone gets ready for bed and shit goes down.
The deaths are uninspired and not worthy of this franchise. After snogging with the wife, the nanny gets electrocuted while using her laptop. Barb lays on the steps screaming instead of running or kicking the 3 ft killer, she just waits to be murdered. By this time Nika has done some research on this mysterious doll and is certain Chucky is alive. Due to power outage Nika couldn't access the elevator to warn everyone. Barb's hubby had his ear plugs in so he missed everything. When Nika gets his attention and tells him there is a doll killing everyone he turns on her, thinking Nika lost her mind. When she has a chance to explain whats going on he gets offed too.
Chucky reveals why he is even in their household to begin with. He tells Nika as shes laying on the floor, that back when he was a human, he met her mother and instantly fell in love. Since her mother was married, he killed her husband and thought they would live happily ever after. Nika's, mom pregnant with Nika, calls the cops and he stabbed her pregnant belly which explains why Nika cannot walk today. A flashback brings us to the very first film where it is explained why he was on the run from the cops and that's how he ended up in the toy store and put his sole into the doll. This dumb ass plot basically brings us full circle to the first film. CHucky blames Nika and her entire family for his misfortune of being a hideous doll. He really does treacherous. Chucky used to be played by an actual person, a child. Some CGI was used to bring him to life. It made him kinda eery. In this film? Chucky is a cheap ass, ugly ass, fake ass, computer image. He looks awful.
The mom throws ugly-ass Chucky in the trash but then is gruesomely murdered by him that night. Nika's sister Barb and her family come to the gigantic house to arrange the funeral and discuss their mothers personal effects. Barb brings along her husband, their daughter and young nanny. And no, this movie did not follow the trope of the husband having sex with the young attractive nanny. The wife is having sex with the young attractive nanny.
Nika decides to give her niece Chucky's ugly-ass, since he just appeared back in the house and for some reason Barb lets her daughter accept this atrocious "toy". Nika and her sister clash over selling their mothers house. Barb thinks Nika can't live on her own and is shocked when Nika prepares dinner for everyone. They all act impressed as if Nika served some fancy, tasty dish but it just looks like everyone is eating bowls of pasta sauce. I have no clue what she fed them. While her back was turned ugly-ass Chucky put rat poison in some of the bowls though. After dinner everyone gets ready for bed and shit goes down.
The deaths are uninspired and not worthy of this franchise. After snogging with the wife, the nanny gets electrocuted while using her laptop. Barb lays on the steps screaming instead of running or kicking the 3 ft killer, she just waits to be murdered. By this time Nika has done some research on this mysterious doll and is certain Chucky is alive. Due to power outage Nika couldn't access the elevator to warn everyone. Barb's hubby had his ear plugs in so he missed everything. When Nika gets his attention and tells him there is a doll killing everyone he turns on her, thinking Nika lost her mind. When she has a chance to explain whats going on he gets offed too.
Chucky reveals why he is even in their household to begin with. He tells Nika as shes laying on the floor, that back when he was a human, he met her mother and instantly fell in love. Since her mother was married, he killed her husband and thought they would live happily ever after. Nika's, mom pregnant with Nika, calls the cops and he stabbed her pregnant belly which explains why Nika cannot walk today. A flashback brings us to the very first film where it is explained why he was on the run from the cops and that's how he ended up in the toy store and put his sole into the doll. This dumb ass plot basically brings us full circle to the first film. CHucky blames Nika and her entire family for his misfortune of being a hideous doll. He really does treacherous. Chucky used to be played by an actual person, a child. Some CGI was used to bring him to life. It made him kinda eery. In this film? Chucky is a cheap ass, ugly ass, fake ass, computer image. He looks awful.
No one believes Nika although in this universe the doll is connected to multiple murders. Nika ends up in a mental institution but laughs in Chucky's face as she is wheeled out the court room since he still didn't beat her. Not sure that makes her look any more sane. The only other survivor was Nika's niece. Jennifer Tilly appears, somehow back in her own body, and ships Chucky to the little girls house. As the movie ends Chucky starts the ritual to posses her. You know, the whole "give me the power I beg of you" shit he attempts in every single film. The movie ends. Then this shit has the balls to add something in the post credits scene. A young man gets a package in the mail. It's Andy from the very first movie. OMG Andy! Chucky really is getting revenge. But didn't he literally take possession of the little girls body before this crap ended? Oh lord, don't tell me there is going to be a sequel.
-The Cult of Chucky-
2017
Oh lord, there actually is a sequel. Yes, another one. This one picks up four years after the last one. Nika has been in a high security mental institution all this time and has come to terms with what happened. Thanks to her amazing Doctor, Dr. Nobles she can admit that she killed her entire family. Nobles is so impressed he's ready to move Nika to a minimum security facility. The new place is very nice looking. Modern and minimalist furniture, sky lights and Nika finally gets her own room.
We also check in on Andy who as you can recall, had Chucky delivered to him somehow in the last one. Andy can't live a normal life. He will always be known as "that kid", and a woman breaks up with him on the spot, telling him she has googled him. Andy goes home and pulls Chuckys ugly ass severed head out of a locked closet. Chucky is missing his body and only has half his head but he's still chillin and cracking jokes at the lonely Andy. This movie is still awful but Chucky has quite a bit of one-liners that are actually funny. The Cult of Chucky is a lot more fun than its predecessor.
We also check in on Andy who as you can recall, had Chucky delivered to him somehow in the last one. Andy can't live a normal life. He will always be known as "that kid", and a woman breaks up with him on the spot, telling him she has googled him. Andy goes home and pulls Chuckys ugly ass severed head out of a locked closet. Chucky is missing his body and only has half his head but he's still chillin and cracking jokes at the lonely Andy. This movie is still awful but Chucky has quite a bit of one-liners that are actually funny. The Cult of Chucky is a lot more fun than its predecessor.
As Nika settles in, there are only like ten people in the entire building, she gets laid by a guy with personality disorder and becomes enemy number one to a female arsonist who can't believe Nika would commit such a heinous act against her own family. Dr. Nobles tries to bring everyone together and I find it odd that he is even at this facility. Wasn't he Nika's doctor at the other place? Did he follow her here? Does he work at both places, because it seems he's usually at the minimum security place. Also since this place is minimum security, it is mentioned that there are no cameras. This is vital for the mayhem that Chucky is about to cause.
Dr. Nobles believes, for some strange reason, that by bringing a replica Chucky doll to the facility, everyone can heal together? Strange shit starts happening again. Nika begins to question what she's been convincing herself for years. Did Chucky do it? Then Jeniffer Tilly comes back, as herself again, still no explanation to how she managed that. She tells tells Nika that her niece is dead and that it was most likely from a broken heart. Dr. Nobles still doesn't see anything wrong with having a Chucky doll there. In fact he allows Nika to take the second doll that Tilly delivers along with the bad news. Immediately weird shit starts patients start dying from "freak accidents".
When even the other patients blame Chucky Dr. Nobles turns out to be the real villain in a sense. Even if the doll is just a doll, having him there is not conducive to his patients sanity. The doctor is an asshole. Andy reads about the weird deaths in the paper and has no clue how it's even possible for Chucky to be killing while Chucky's head is stuck on his desk. "You think there is only one of us!" Chucky laughs. Uh Yea, we did. I had no clue what was happening. Were other serial killers putting their soles in good guy dolls to evade the cops? Turns out Chucky learned how to transfer his consciousness into as many vessels as he wants as long as he does that "give me the power I beg of you" shit. Each possessed being can possess others making it a "cult" A third doll even shows up in the mail and all three of these Chucky dolls get together and terrorize Nika. Dr. Nobles still doesn't believe her even when he gets knocked out while she's in a straight jacket and in her wheelchair. Even with staff and patients dying. Dr. Nobles believes he is the only one right, Chucky is just a damn doll and everyone else needs to get over it. Andy comes to the "rescue" but its too late. Chucky possesses Nikas body. Not sure why he didn't choose a male vessel. By this time everyone is dead including the one security guard and the two staff people. Nika walks outside to meet Jennifer Tilly and they exchange awkward dialogue threatening yet another sequel no one asked for. I can definitely say I laughed through this one but it's still really absurd. But oh lord, don't tell me there will be another one.
When even the other patients blame Chucky Dr. Nobles turns out to be the real villain in a sense. Even if the doll is just a doll, having him there is not conducive to his patients sanity. The doctor is an asshole. Andy reads about the weird deaths in the paper and has no clue how it's even possible for Chucky to be killing while Chucky's head is stuck on his desk. "You think there is only one of us!" Chucky laughs. Uh Yea, we did. I had no clue what was happening. Were other serial killers putting their soles in good guy dolls to evade the cops? Turns out Chucky learned how to transfer his consciousness into as many vessels as he wants as long as he does that "give me the power I beg of you" shit. Each possessed being can possess others making it a "cult" A third doll even shows up in the mail and all three of these Chucky dolls get together and terrorize Nika. Dr. Nobles still doesn't believe her even when he gets knocked out while she's in a straight jacket and in her wheelchair. Even with staff and patients dying. Dr. Nobles believes he is the only one right, Chucky is just a damn doll and everyone else needs to get over it. Andy comes to the "rescue" but its too late. Chucky possesses Nikas body. Not sure why he didn't choose a male vessel. By this time everyone is dead including the one security guard and the two staff people. Nika walks outside to meet Jennifer Tilly and they exchange awkward dialogue threatening yet another sequel no one asked for. I can definitely say I laughed through this one but it's still really absurd. But oh lord, don't tell me there will be another one.
2015
This flick wants to be Scream so badly. Former classmates come together at a huge house in the hills the night before their big ten year reunion. The former friends do what all people do at reunions. Everyone pretends they give a shit about the classmates they haven't seen in ten years and they all realize that not much has changed since high school.
This small crew is here the night before the festivities because they all worked on the yearbook committee. They mention how they played a terrible prank on one of their classmates, John Doughtry. Before the yearbook went to print they all scratched out Johns picture with a pocket knife and wrote the word "die". What a shitty thing to do. They wonder what ever happened to John since after the yearbook incident a gun was found in his locker and he was never seen again. Little do the former assholes know, there is a revenge plot afoot. The Killer has already killed his first victim, Ashley, and put her in the old shed out back.
This movie relies heavily on the theme of graduation for its kills. Ashleys' yearbook picture read "most likely to have her name in lights" so the killer hangs her body beneath her name in lights. *sigh* Given the theme it's only fitting for our killer to run around in cap and gown with a paper mache' mask on that reads DIE. There is a huge print out of everyone's class picture on the wall and as they get killed their picture is X'd off with red spray paint. The body count stays the same for most of the film. This movie spends quite a while establishing the characters, in other words picking up the drama that should have been left behind in high school. The central story is that Gabby, a professional poker player (most likely to play the hand she is dealt) got pregnant by Brad who is now a big star. Brad got scared and left Gabby by dropping out when they were in high school, and then Gabby didn't go through with her pregnancy. Now Brad shows up with an effin super model and they both want Gabby to give them poker tips. *sigh* It's about 40 minutes in till they find Ashley's dead body in the shed then it's time to cue the cliches.
This small crew is here the night before the festivities because they all worked on the yearbook committee. They mention how they played a terrible prank on one of their classmates, John Doughtry. Before the yearbook went to print they all scratched out Johns picture with a pocket knife and wrote the word "die". What a shitty thing to do. They wonder what ever happened to John since after the yearbook incident a gun was found in his locker and he was never seen again. Little do the former assholes know, there is a revenge plot afoot. The Killer has already killed his first victim, Ashley, and put her in the old shed out back.
This movie relies heavily on the theme of graduation for its kills. Ashleys' yearbook picture read "most likely to have her name in lights" so the killer hangs her body beneath her name in lights. *sigh* Given the theme it's only fitting for our killer to run around in cap and gown with a paper mache' mask on that reads DIE. There is a huge print out of everyone's class picture on the wall and as they get killed their picture is X'd off with red spray paint. The body count stays the same for most of the film. This movie spends quite a while establishing the characters, in other words picking up the drama that should have been left behind in high school. The central story is that Gabby, a professional poker player (most likely to play the hand she is dealt) got pregnant by Brad who is now a big star. Brad got scared and left Gabby by dropping out when they were in high school, and then Gabby didn't go through with her pregnancy. Now Brad shows up with an effin super model and they both want Gabby to give them poker tips. *sigh* It's about 40 minutes in till they find Ashley's dead body in the shed then it's time to cue the cliches.
- They realize are three hours away from anyone that can help (wtf)
- No ones cell phone works. No one had been on their phone until this point (yea right)
- They split up over and over
No one even acts too upset about finding Ashley's dead body. Yes, it's been 10 years but no one mourns, not even a little bit. As they wait for the black guy that drove off to get help (LOL) everyone continues to catch up. Freddy (played by Perez Hilton) tells Gabby that he killed his boyfriend when he was drunk driving. He tells her and looks down at his legs with zero emotion. Gabby tries to pretend like she gives a shit. The classmates slowly get killed after revealing how bad they have really been doing since graduation.
Some of the kills include the black guy, (most likely to eat anything) having his eyes slit and then a hockey stick shoved down his throat. Another classmate (most likely to get what she wants), earlier said she wants to spend the rest of her life in the hot tub and is later found dead, in the hot tub.
At the anti-climatic climax the killer is revealed to be DJ (most likely to get the last laugh.) His motive is getting revenge for what everyone did to that kid John in high school. "We all used to be friends in grade school and then we changed!" DJ monologues, telling them the yearbook incident ruined Johns life. To take the heat off everyone for the prank, DJ was the one that put the gun in Johns locker, causing his expulsion and a shitty life to follow. Sounds like DJ is a hypocrite. He really feels bad because John killed himself not too long ago. Somehow DJ feels morally superior to everyone else although he did the most damage. His plan isn't to kill everyone though. Since Freddy knows real pain from killing his boyfriend and Gabby is a "fighter" he agrees to let them live if they help him kill more people tomorrow at the reunion. They agree and obviously are lying. DJ makes a rookie mistake and gives Gabby the gun to kill the last classmate. Shocking to no one, she uses the gun to kill the DJ. The survivors leave. Then someone comes out in a cap and gown and marks an X on DJ's picture. John obviously isn't really dead and he used DJ as a pawn to do his dirty work. Now that's what I call getting the last laugh.
******************another movie that Doesn't suck!**********
-#Horror-
2015
BONUS****** Recommendation*******
This movie is so bad, so insufferable and leaves so many questions unanswered. The tween girls in this film are the worst, most mean spirited bitches I have ever seen. I have never wished for more swift and violent deaths before this film.
Unfortunately these little wenches live for the first two acts of the movie. The killer turns out to be one of the scorned girls who ran into the woods. It makes no sense because deaths took place before this particular girl actually gets to the house where everything goes down. And when everyone is there, someone is clearly watching from outside and taking pictures. There are also hints of some ghosts stories that go absolutely nowhere. Also the movie runs off this social media thing, where it cuts to loud, obnoxious illustrations that are kinda like how it is playing slots in a casino. It ruins the tone of the movie even more. I just... don't want to spend anymore time on this shit. Just Stay the hell away from it.
Unfortunately these little wenches live for the first two acts of the movie. The killer turns out to be one of the scorned girls who ran into the woods. It makes no sense because deaths took place before this particular girl actually gets to the house where everything goes down. And when everyone is there, someone is clearly watching from outside and taking pictures. There are also hints of some ghosts stories that go absolutely nowhere. Also the movie runs off this social media thing, where it cuts to loud, obnoxious illustrations that are kinda like how it is playing slots in a casino. It ruins the tone of the movie even more. I just... don't want to spend anymore time on this shit. Just Stay the hell away from it.
******************another movie that Doesn't suck!**********
The Good Neighbor
2016
I stumbled upon this flick in my search for some shitty movies. Although it was too late to add to my previous Horraween post of Movies that Don't suck, this films certainly deserves a watch.
These two little shit heads, decide to conduct an experiment and use their elderly neighbor as their Guinea pig. They break into his home, install cameras and gadgets to make it seem like his house is being haunted. It's hard to relate to these kids but although the experiment is totally illegal and vile it yields very puzzling results. The boys are determined to undercover the real truth and the cost is shocking. This film is well paced and engrossing as several revelations are brought to light for their old neighbor and the two young men. The performances in this film are awesome and the ending is heart wrenching. Another gem to add to your must watch list.
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