Beastly 2011
Director
Daniel Barnz (Cake 2014)
Writer
Daniel Barnz
Alex Flinn (Beastly Novel)
Notable Actors
Vanessa Hudgens (High School Musical 2006)
Alex Pettyfer (Magic Mike 2012 )
Mary Kate Olsen (Billboard Dad 1998)
((SPOILERS))
Lets see, so we have a Beauty and the Beast retelling that was turned into a book and then adapted into a movie. Are we surprised it sucked? Somehow this film made it to theaters when it actually should be a Disney Channel original movie. Sorry that's an insult to Disney but only ten and eleven year old tweens would be impressed by this film. Then again it may not be appropriate for them as so many odd things are lovingly glossed over for sake of plot, such as stalking, manipulation, drug use and even murder. Beastly is a prime example of living without consequences. As long as you're rich you can get away with anything.
"Beautiful people get it done better. Ugly people are horrible."
The school staff look quite horrified but his peers cheer Kyle on, even the ones he's just insulted and embarrassed. He tells the ugly people:
"Best embrace the suck."
It's such an odd thing to say and this horrible phrase is used again. The only people unimpressed by Kyle are Lindy, played by Vanessa Hudgens, whom I think believes she IS in a Disney Channel movie. And the mysterious Kendra played by Mary Kate Olsen. The two girls aren't friends, they're actually both loners. Lindy is a hippie-chic gal who says mostly whimsical musings and Kendra is a rumored Witch. She also looks like a high fashion runway model with her super high heels, grungy black eye shadow and ugly-expensive outfits. It's a vast contrast to the T-shirt and jeans her counterparts wear.
After Kendra makes a point to walk out during Kyle's speech, he is annoyed. I suppose he can't stand the fact that someone doesn't like him. The two have a verbal sparring match in the hall.
"Wow, looks really are important to you."
Kendra says, visibly disgusted. Duh.
At home our soon to be Beast, attempts to tell his rich, handsome, news anchor father (all part of his speech), about his win. His father only talks to him long enough to tell Kyle a colleague was let go today but it was okay since she was big boned. His dad then waves off Kyle to continue his phone conversation. Kyle is obviously disappointed and we have a brief second to feel sorry for him. We don't of course, but this would be the time. Instantly he goes back to being an ass by insulting his "Jamaican" housekeeper.
"I don't care about your sixteen kids"
he says when she tries to explain how hard it is being a parent. She also reveals she actually has tree (three) kids and they are in Jamaica while she earns a living. Guess this topic never came up before tonight.
That night at the dance Kyle spends a little time talking to Lindy. He gives her these longing looks as she reveals she saving up for the class trip to Machu Picchu. I also want to add that Vanessa Hudgens is really bad in this film. Laughably bad. This was her second movie after the extremely popular High School Musical films ended. I think she was still in that happy go lucky mode? She over acts completely and her voice is a few octaves higher than it should be. It's like her voice is audio dubbed into each scene and it's really unpleasant. A ton of her lines are delivered super fast as if it makes her character appear carefree and sure of her of herself. Lindy is supposed to be a kind, free, song bird but she comes off as a poser, desperate for Kyle to like her. She gets so giddy when Kyle offers her his white rose.
"I'm worthy of you."
she says breathless. She then explains every colored rose has a different meaning. Okay.....Kendra ruins the moment when she shows up and Kyle embarrasses her again in front of everyone. This is the kind of guy Lindy is in to though? Clearly fed up Kendra utters
"oh Kyle best embrace the suck".
He blows her off but soon leaves feeling sick and dizzy. He goes to the roof and transforms into a hideous Beast. Well not exactly. He looses his golden locks, and is covered in weird tattoos and rigid texture appears on his face. He looks creepy for sure. Kendra catches up with him and tells him he has a year to find love. If he doesn't find it, he will be stuck like that forever. She says
"Only the words I love you can release you"
which honestly should have been a bit more concrete and specific. If he took her literally he could have went down to the party and begged anyone who would listen to say I love you and turn back to his old self. He doesn't.
5 months later Kyle is in an isolated yet very nice apartment somewhere in the City with his "Jamaican" housekeeper and his new teacher, a blind man. Kyle's staff are the only likable characters in this film. Kyle's dad has banished his son here. He barely had time for him when he was popular and good looking now that he's leper he couldn't care less. Kyle hasn't spoken to any of his so called friends and it's rumored he's in rehab. Beast sees Lindy one night while he's skulking around and can't help but follow her home. This is called stalking. He comes back again and again. Lindy really is something special. She is the type of chick that walks around at night in the inner city with noise canceling headphones on, drinking coffee, and dancing alone. Completely oblivious to the world around, including her personal stalker. She's an idiot but that's irrelevant because Kyle can't help but stalk her from the shadows, smiling to himself.
One night while following Lindy, Kyle watches her run into an alley trying to help her father. Seems he's having trouble with his drug dealer. In Beauty and the Beast Belle's father is an eccentric inventor. In this film he's a junkie and apparently bad with money.
"oh dad not this again"
Her dad is being held at gunpoint but Lindy is unafraid and tells the man they will get him his money.
"You better pay me, AND MY BROTHER!" says the drug dealer because it is important to the plot that we know he's standing next to his brother. Then from the shadows Beastly swoops down and knocks the drug dealer back! Kyle brings Lindy to safety as a shot goes off in the distance. Beast runs back up the the stairs and finds Lindy's dad holding a gun. Yes, Lindy's dad has just killed someone. Over drugs.
The drug dealer then vows to take Lindy's life in exchange for his brothers. He claims he WILL find her one day. If he wasn't an idiot he would have realized her and her father live in the building right next to the alley they're all standing in.
Kyle sees this as his chance to
It only gets more ridiculous from here. Lindy's murderer-father brings her to Kyle's the next day. Kyle has prepped his "Jamaican" housekeeper and teacher by telling them to call him Hunter because he doesn't want Lindy to know who he is. Lindy is visibly upset to be pulled out of her school, which she loves and is isolated from everyone she knows. She has no idea whose house she is in an announces "I'm here okay. Come near me and I will taser your ass."
I don't even know why she agreed to this, does she even know her dad is a killer? With Lindy inside his home now Kyle devises a plan to get her to fall in love with him. First she needs to be happy with the arrangement. He sends out his "Jamaican" housekeeper to buy Lindy all types of Designer bags and jewelry. He delivers these goodies to Lindy's bedroom door with a ski mask because, ya know, he doesn't want to frighten her.The gifts don't appeal to her in the slightest and you would think that from all the time he spent secretly watching Lindy that he would know she isn't a material girl. Hunter decides to appeal to what she loves. Beast starts building a greenhouse on his "roof" because she mentioned those roses back then at that party. I guess this is a good time to mention that there are horrible green screens in this film and almost everything that's supposed to be outside is clearly on a set. It feels really claustrophobic because you know they're in an enclosure. The New York City Skyline that's supposed to be visible from the roof is just laughable. This is another reason this movie is more suitable for TV.
Hunter finally reveals himself to Lindy after weeks of her being in the house. By revealing himself does that mean telling Lindy he is Kyle, not Hunter? No. He finally shows her his Beastly face.
"Pretty gruesome right?" asks Hunter. Lindy replies "I've seen worse."
This really makes Beast feel good but it's such a backhanded compliment. It's like saying you're not that ugly. So Lindy and "Hunter" bond over the next few months. They play golf with his blind teacher and watch foreign films. Lindy falls in love... with the greenhouse Kyle Builds. It's not really a greenhouse, more of a garden with different roses but I digress. After they spend the night in a zoo together their "bond" is solidified. One day Beast sees a picture of his old self and Lindy as a screen saver on her computer. She shuts her laptop and says he's just some guy, but she's blushing. She only spoke to Kyle twice when that photo was taken but she clearly liked him even though he was an asshole. Totally goes against the character she's supposed to be but sometimes girls like assholes. Now would have been a great time to come clean with Lindy, about everything. He doesn't because he is a manipulating bastard. Lindy also mentions her Machu Picchu trip is coming up.
Beast decides to turn up the heat because his time is running out. He's gotta get the girl to say I love you in the allotted time. That's his only objective. This movie never makes me feel like he wants to be with her. It makes me feel like he needs her to utter three words so he can look nice again. He takes her to his families old, gigantic lake house. Its quiet and beautiful. On the way there Lindy gets a text from her father. He was caught by the police. It's safe to come home . hmmmm Well Dad, thanks for the very impersonal text message. Also, shouldn't the cops be looking for you . You killed that guys brother. AND aren't you a junkie, how is Lindy "safe" with you? Ironically as the two are boo loving Lindy gets a call. Her father overdosed. He just sent that text like a few hours ago! She gets on a train to see her dad and wont be coming back. Hunter gives her a letter he had written her. Does the letter explain who he really is? And that he regrets everything he's done wrong and he's sorry? Does it explain how he's watched her from a far? No, but he does tell her that he loves her. Lindy loves....the letter and tries to call Hunter multiple times. He refuses to answer her. He thinks hes doing the noble thing all of a sudden by letting her go. His "Jamaican" housekeeper and teacher tell him to stop being stupid and go to Lindy. Time is up. It's the last day to break the spell and it happens to coincide with the day of the Machu Pichu trip. He finds Lindy. Does he tell her the truth now? No. He tells her in person that he loves her and then hesitates for a moment until it's clear Lindy isn't going to say it back. He turns to leave. Suddenly Lindy then says "Hunter..." he turns around, hopeful.... "I love you." She loves him but doesn't even know his real name. She doesn't even know his real identity, his real history. His real anything. And it's sickly sweet how she delivers the line. There isn't even any chemistry between these two. It's as if she's saying this line in the mirror. She says it like she's known all along he needed those words and was just fucking with him until the last second. Immediately Beast runs off. As he steps onto the set that supposed to be a NYC street he turns back into Kyle. Lindy comes running out looking for Hunter, ya know, the person she's in love with. She sees Kyle and brushes him off. She has no indication that he's the person she's in love with. She doesn't even recognize his voice. Then she calls Hunters phone and Kyle picks up. Is Lindy mad that Kyle never told her the truth? Is she disturbed at all by the sequence of events? Does she even ask Kyle what happened to his face? No. Kyle gets the girl. All he had to do was lie, stalk her, participate in a murder and manipulate her. Lindy and Kyle are then seen going to Machu Picchu together. Kyle's still rich so I'm sure he was able to finagle his way on this trip at the last moment. The movie ends with Kendra (the Witch), setting her sights on a new victim, Kyles dad. I wonder if he's supposed to get his son to love him again? Now that's something I want to see.
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